Five Date Ideas for the Non-Romantic

My husband and I have vastly different expectations when it comes to dating each other. We agree it's important to keep the spark of romantic love alive in our marriage, but the question of how to go about it meets different and sometimes conflicting attitudes from the two of us. If you're in a relationship anything like ours, you know that it can be a challenge to find new and exciting date ideas when one of you wants to go dancing, paint together, or try one of those date-at-home boxes, and the other claims he would rather eat his own toenails than try any of that romantic, "cheesy" stuff.

Though we have disparate tastes, we both want the same things from our dates: to enjoy each other and to strengthen our marriage. Through the years of testing date ideas, we have found a few winners. These activities have enriched our relationship through everything from laughter and teamwork to deep philosophical conversations, and they pass the "non-mushy" test to please the sensible-minded while still meeting the need for connection time to satisfy the hopeless romantic. If you are looking for something to freshen your relationship other than the go-to dinner and a movie routine, consider these alternate date ideas. Since my husband and I have two small kids, these activities have the added benefits of being relatively inexpensive (or free) and not requiring that you hire a babysitter; you don't have to leave the house (unless you want to).

1. Cribbage and Coffee
Break out this old-fashioned and charming card game, brush up on your addition skills, and race your peg around the track to get to the finish line first. Sip on your favorite beverage and let the conversation flow naturally as you both get the hang of the game. My husband and I spent many dates playing cribbage when we were engaged. It's the perfect balance of skill and luck of the draw, so it doesn't get too competitive (great if one of you doesn't enjoy playing games unless he's winning).

2. Cooperative Games
If newer, multi-faceted board games are more your thing, try a cooperative game in which you two must work together to win. The benefit of these games is the fact that you get to strategize with your partner instead of plotting secretly as in most traditional games. You might just find some new strengths as a couple while you take risks and compromise in order to beat the game. Our favorites are the pleasingly-complex Pandemic (save humanity from rampaging diseases) and the simpler, fantasy-infused Forbidden Island (rescue treasures from an island before you sink). An added bonus of gameplay: our discussion naturally centers on the game, saving us from figuring out how to stop talking about work and the kids.

3. Listen to the Radio
If you're into podcasts, share a favorite with your spouse. Spending time appreciating something that the other person enjoys can increase the depth of your understanding of him or her. For a fun alternative, try listening to an old radio show, such as mystery theater from CBS Radio Mystery Theater. One advantage of listening to the radio or a podcast is that listening allows you to feel more present with each other than if you were watching a show. As Gary Chapman suggests in The Five Love Languages, "It isn't enough to just be in the same room with someone. A key ingredient in giving your spouse quality time is giving them focused attention . . . the activity in which [you] are both engaged is incidental." Even though you might still sit on the couch to listen to the radio, you might find you enjoy being able to look at each other instead of the screen as your individual responses to the story become part of the experience (a win for those of us more romantically inclined, or those whose love language is spending quality time).

4. Read Aloud
If you enjoy podcasts and radio, take your date one step further and read aloud to each other. One of the benefits of this activity is that it can take as little or as much time as you want to spend, since you can always find a good stopping point in a book and come back to it later. You may even find yourself looking forward to the next installment on your next date (no extra date planning required!). Since these dates need to suit those who may not be interested in the romantic comedies of the book world (i.e. Jane Austen), here are a few recommendations my husband and I have both enjoyed:

• If you're a fan of biographies, try Amazing Grace by Eric Metaxas, which recounts the story of William Wilberforce, English politician and, most famously, champion of ending the slave trade in Britain. He also, however, worked to end animal cruelty and revive morality. My husband and I were challenged and inspired by this read.
• If you're into fiction, try A Separate Peace by John Knowles. A haunting and exquisitely written story about friendship and loyalty set against the backdrop of the second world war, this book is aimed at younger readers yet presents themes worth exploring at any age. It sparked lively conversation between my husband and me.
• If you love poetry, break away from Shakespeare's sonnets and read some A. E. Housman poems (hubby's favorite) for their driving rhythm and rhyme schemes and for their darkly cynical, yet stolid view of the world. Check out the collection A Shropshire Lad; the less-romantically-inclined will not balk at these poems, and the two of you can relish in challenging your own view of the world when you discuss them. Is your view more positive than Housman's? For a completely different approach, try reading some Gerard Manley Hopkins poetry (my favorite). Full of exuberant life, these poems will engage your imagination and set you thinking about the beauty of nature, but not romantic love (win!). For a start, look up "As Kingfishers Catch Fire," "God's Grandeur," "Pied Beauty," or "Spring."

5. DIY Fondue
Using materials you might already have around the house, make your own fondue snack as a date activity by itself or to accompany one of the other ideas here. Light a few tea light candles and place them on a safe surface. Position a simple wire basket upside-down over the flames and put a small ramekin full of your favorite chocolate chips on top. The heat from the candles will gently melt the chocolate. Use skewers or toothpicks to dip goodies into the chocolate. Try marshmallows, cookies, fruits, and pretzels (all cut or broken into small bite-sized pieces). Everyone, romantic or not, loves a snack!

However you date, keep an open mind and be willing to try new things. If you are the romantic one in the relationship, take the pressure off of your spouse and do all the planning. Your spouse will likely appreciate your effort and be willing to go along for the ride. Either way, the most important ingredient in a successful date is the fact that the two of you are experiencing something together, right? Shared memories can help strengthen the foundation for your relationship (even if you end up laughing over them!).

Slow Down When Sick

Popcorn
Thunderheads fill my bowl. Whole
Skies of storms, many nights'
Worth - an epic flood's worth - sit
Still, waiting to be plucked
One handful at a time for Mom.
For R.J., they're removed singly and
Given names (her game):
Juliet, Jeremiah, James (not
Stormy or ominous). I bite
The tops off of the biggest
Clouds so S.L. can eat them; food
For a baby with no sharp bits. The
Soft puffy insides start to dissolve
Like snow in my warm mouth.

Heat expanded air and moisture,
Forced particles to burgeon outward into
Bulbous mounds larger than
Mountains - smaller than
Hailstones.

Popcorn Cloud

 Apple
I'd always heard it was a star, but
No: a tiny flower hides inside the
Core of the apple I'm eating. A sculptor
Cast a lily in wax, pulled out the delicate
Petals, and left behind an empty
Cream-colored impression wherein dark,
Fertile seeds rest encased. My thin knife has
Slid through the crack in the
Door and unbolted the lock: now
They fall with gentle clicks
Onto my cutting board.

Apple Flower

Bergamot Flashback

We're fast approaching Christmas,
and the choir has practiced the song
for maybe three weeks now. "Listen
to the recording at home,"
the director reminds us. Warm tea
soothes my throat while I knit.

The red sweater was done by Halloween, knit
with click-clicks and slow breath, full of mistakes, yet in time for Christmas.
Maybe Mimi will make peppermint tea
again, and this time my song
won't have to be, "Sick! So sick!" Away from home,
yes, but not pregnant this time. The choir will sing; this time, I'll get to listen.

The heater comes on in the house. Listen
to the cold rain hitting the roof and knit
while my daughters sleep. Tastes sweet to be at home -
to know the lights for Christmas,
on their timer, will glow while we're away - to hear my daughter practice her song.
Breathe. Today it took a cup of Holiday Chai tea

to get past the afternoon slump. Today's tea
I kept hidden from the girl; didn't have to listen
as she asked for some and return my sing- song
"No, no. It has caffeine." My hands itched to knit
today; I've almost finished the gray hat. And Christmas
makes so many demands on my time at home.

We won't be at home,
so if I want the gingerbread tea
I'll bring it in that little tin. We leave after both Christmas
choir performances, mine and hers. Nana can listen
if I record my daughter's performance. I'll wait to knit
my green sweater; we need to practice the song.

Once, two college girls, on guitar and piano, sang a song
together at one girl's family home.
One had taught the other how to knit,
and had made her soy milk-infused Earl Grey tea
before they sat on the bedroom floor in their apartment, where one girl could listen
to the other read a fantasy story and rest in the comfort as cozy as Christmas.

She can still knit with those skills and can still hear that song:
At Christmas time in her own grown-up home
she smells Earl Grey tea in a bottle of bergamot and stops to listen.

I recently attended a house concert where I had the privilege of hearing my college roommate and friend from many years ago perform her own beautiful music. A singer-songwriter who plays guitar, she always had an interest in creating, writing, and singing, and she always had a knack for turning any space into "home." It is an amazing experience when one brief moment - such as listening to a song or smelling a specific scent - recalls to your mind years of previous moments, and they all get bundled up together into one new experience that you can open like a gift as your present circumstances seem to be put on pause. The past moments take on new meaning as you see them through the lens of all your current life, and your current life is blessed, as with a refreshing shower, with the sweetness of the memories. At Christmas time, especially, I think we experience life as being circular, so that our past and present can affect each other in our perception of them, and each can imbue the other with new flavor and richness.

A sestina, with its recurring words presented in a new order in each stanza, is very circle-like, and seemed to me the perfect form in which to attempt to express this experience of memory.