Arrows

Heidi St. John's book Becoming Mom Strong discusses the biblical idea that children are "like arrows in the hands of a warrior" (Psalm 127:4). St. John describes her purpose as a parent this way: "Surely we were born for this - to launch our arrows into the world for the Kingdom of God!" In other words, our children do not stay with us forever; they depart at some point or other, and our job is to prepare them to depart well and at the right time, with true aim.

The other day, my toddler (R) woke up early (even for her), at about 5:30. My husband had just that same week started a new job with a new schedule, which allows him to be home in the mornings instead of gone before the rest of us wake up. Our theory on R's wake-up time was that partly she was just excited to see her daddy and was ready to start the day. Of course, along with the early rising came the early beginning of a long day full of "why" questions and stubborn two-year-old willfulness. My perspective was already keyed to be positive (thanks to the Ann Voskamp Joy Dare, which had a prompt for that day to look for gifts found in difficult people); otherwise, I would have absolutely lost it. Instead I only partially lost it.

In any case, I reflected on R's personality that day and how the challenges she presents now may be shaped with her future usefulness as an "arrow" in mind. She loves her daddy, which indicates to me that she has the capacity to develop close and healthy relationships as she matures. She is full of curiosity and the desire to learn, and I'm hoping this desire will stay with her so that she dives into whatever work God has for her with just as much enthusiasm when she's 30 as she does now. Her willfulness now may serve her well in the future by helping her stand firm in her convictions when she faces trials at work, in relationships, and from the general culture (which I suppose will be even more difficult to walk through as a Christian when she is an adult than it is now).

So let me pray that these (sometimes challenging) qualities will develop into beneficial traits as R grows, and that her dad and I will have the wisdom to help her hone her gifts and her personality now, in preparation for the aiming and launching season to come.

Walking with her until she's ready to launch.

Who's in Charge Here?

I would like to have the authority in my own life to say to my child, "Do not be sick with hand, foot, and mouth disease," or, "get rid of that jaundice right now, young lady." However, the power to control whether or not my children are ill does not fall to me.

The first week home with baby number two (S), my first daughter (R) contracted hand, foot, and mouth disease. We were afraid it was strep throat at first, but when my husband took her to the doctor we found out (to our relief) that it was this scary-sounding but relatively non-threatening disease that caused her to have bothersome red spots all over her hands, feet, face, and hip areas. She was not contagious to adults, and there was little risk that infant S would be in contact with R, which was why we were so relieved. However, there was still a lot of work and trouble associated with the situation. R had fever for a couple of days, she didn't feel well, and we had to prevent her from cuddling her new baby sister. Meanwhile, baby S also had some issues related to jaundice concern. Her pediatrician asked us to get her tested and re-tested for bilirubin levels every day for the first week of her life, which meant trips back to the hospital every day for a week after having finally been discharged after spending two nights there following her birth (two instead of one because I was group B strep positive).

All in all, the first week home with our new baby was not the experience I had desired. I'd imagined lots of rest and cuddles, not lots of car trips with an infant, insanely messy breastfeeding in public, a whining, tired toddler, and little opportunity for much-needed naps for myself.

That week, my Bible study teacher shared her memory verse with me: Matthew 21:23b says, "By what authority are You doing these things, and who gave You this authority?" The Pharisees were challenging Jesus with these words. Of course, the questions are provocative; since I believe Jesus has ultimate authority, given that He is God, I have no right to question Him in such a way. Meditating on this verse was the very thing I needed that week. As I prayed for help to deal with the tiredness and the two needy children, sobbing, I submitted the time to God. He is the authority of my life, not me.

Remembering Who is in charge gave me comfort that week, but remembering that my life was not all bad helped, too. Around that same time, I was reading the section of the Martin Luther biography by Eric Metaxas that describes Luther traveling many miles on foot to a meeting that could easily have resulted in his own execution by burning. Luther was (understandably) so anxious he had severe stomach pains and was unable to continue walking at one point. By comparison to this extreme hardship, my life was peachy! A little perspective can work wonders. Also, there were some enjoyable things about the week: I got to have lunch out with my husband after a couple of the trips to the hospital, toddler-free (since my mom was watching R for us), and all of those car-rides and dealings with the "outside world" probably helped me get back to a feeling of reality and normalcy after the strangeness of the two-night hospital stay.

In the end, God is good and He knows what He is doing. "Trust in Him at all times, O people; Pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us," says David in Psalm 62:8. Truly God wants to hear from us no matter what emotions we are feeling (including anger or panic), but He also wants us to submit ourselves to His authority and rest in the fact that our peace is ultimately in Him, not in circumstances going exactly how we want.

Charm Bracelet Wisdom

I have a charm bracelet somewhere. It's silver and jingly and a bit too heavy to wear comfortably. All those memories! The problem is that I can't find it. Since I cannot remember the last time I wore or saw it, I am not sure if it would have been packed into a moving box from my college days, from the time my parents moved from my childhood home to a new city, or from one of my many moves since getting married and living in three different cities and several apartments. Is it tucked away in a little white cardboard box with gauzy padding? Is it hiding at the bottom of a drawer underneath assorted items unrelated to jewelry? Did I drop it in a random parking lot?

If my charm bracelet had been a staple part of my daily ensemble, I doubt that it would now be lost. It is such a noticeable piece to wear, due to its weight and the sounds it makes, that if it had fallen off somehow, surely I would have been aware immediately and been able to pick it up. During each of my many moves, it would have been packed with care and attention. I would have been able to unpack it and wear it again after settling into the new place.

The silver charm bracelet makes me think of the proverbs that compare wisdom with silver, gold, and jewels. Wisdom, personified, speaks:

Take my instruction instead of silver, and knowledge rather than choice gold, for wisdom is better than jewels, and all that you may desire cannot compare with her. (Proverbs 8:10-11)

Wisdom and knowledge in themselves are more precious than tangible, physical wealth. Additionally, what results in a person's life because she seeks wisdom is more precious than riches: 

My fruit is better than gold, even fine gold, and my yield than choice silver. (Proverbs 8:19)

What are the results of seeking wisdom? Proverbs 8 mentions many qualities that wisdom possesses, such as nobility, truth, insight, strength, justice, and righteousness. To wrap it all up, wisdom declares that "whoever finds me finds life and obtains favor from the Lord" (8:35) rather than "injur[y]" and "death" (36). Yes, life and favor from the God of the universe seem more valuable than silver! I would like to find those things more than my missing charm bracelet.

Proverbs further explains that the "fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom" (9:10). The way to start seeking wisdom is to revere and acknowledge the sovereignty of the Holy God who made us and knows what is ultimately best for us, trusting and submitting ourselves to His loving care. But Psalm 111:10 suggests that the fear of the Lord is not just a decision to be made in one moment and then forgotten:

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom; all those who practice it have a good understanding. His praise endures forever!

To seek and to attain wisdom, we must continually practice the fear of the Lord. It is an ongoing choice we must exercise as we make decisions, talk with people, and work at our jobs. The fear of the Lord should be part of the daily ensemble with which we dress ourselves. "His praise endures forever," and we can make our lives a part of that forever praise.

It is a big challenge to daily practice the fear of the Lord in my own life, with a toddler and a house to keep up with, and when even getting enough sleep is difficult to achieve. But I know that I don't want my relationship with God, and the wisdom and blessing that come with knowing Him, to be lost in a box somewhere. I want to keep these precious things close to me, like a piece of jewelry that I wear every day. I want them to be so habitual that if I drop them, I notice something missing. I'm praying that God will help me see the small and simple ways throughout the day that I can seek and honor Him.

Hold Her Hand

The Texas mountain laurels are blooming right now. Full-grown, they are gorgeous trees covered with purple blossoms that make all the air smell like grape sweet tarts. Wouldn't you want to be so beautiful if you were a tree?

photo courtesy of Matt Kolodzie

A few weeks ago, I held my daughter's hand as she took tenuous steps along the rock border of our small raised garden bed. Seeing her watch her feet and carefully step so slowly reminded me of something that happened to me about seven years ago, when I was in grad school and feeling extremely unsure of myself as a person. During the Christmas break I visited my mom and dad and went to their church for the Christmas Eve service. There in the peaceful sanctuary, when it was time for Communion, we had a silent, individual prayer time. My prayer went something like:

God, I know I need to be more like the woman who twirls around in big, flowing skirts at the top of bright green hills with blue skies all around her, her face shining as she looks up and laughs at the clouds. She's so exuberant and full of life. I need to be like that, and I'm not. I don't trust You enough. I'm so anxious all the time. 

Suddenly, in the midst of my insecure ramblings, a vivid picture came into my mind. It was a picture of a small girl wearing dark-colored clothes that fit her well but were not flowing skirts. The girl was walking along a pathway that wasn't lit very well, and the whole background was fairly dark, too. The girl was holding a hand, though. She was taking steps slowly while holding a hand whose owner was not visible. God reassured me with this vivid picture by telling me that, though I was going slowly and might not have an outgoing, exuberant personality, I was trusting Him and walking faithfully as the woman He made me to be. That careful woman was just as beautiful as the spinning woman on the hill.

When my daughter walked along the garden border taking slow, careful steps, she was trusting me to catch her and to guide her in this new adventure she'd just discovered. She was being completely herself and completely lovely in doing so. If she'd been running along recklessly, I'd have been a bit frustrated, and she probably would have hurt herself.

Some people are quick to settle in, establish "roots," find their niches, make friends, and adjust to new roles. Some are slower. The Texas mountain laurel is notorious for being a slow-growing tree that may not bloom for several years after being planted. We have one in our yard that we planted almost right away when we first moved to our new house in our new city. It's been a year now, and there has barely been any new visible growth at all, and certainly no blooming. My husband told me just the other day, when I was feeling a bit down regarding my ability to feel settled in my life as a new mom in a new place, that I was like the mountain laurel, slow to become established, but with potential for beautiful blossoms after a time.

Looking closely at our little slow-growing tree, I can see some brighter green new leaves at the ends of some of the darker green branches that have been there for a while. When I look closely at my life, I can see improvements and growth - perhaps small, but there nonetheless. Praise God, who always holds my hand, for causing all kinds of growth, whether fast or slow, big or small, joyous in purple blooms or deliberate in tender stems and leaves!

our small mountain laurel

Need

God made me a child and said,
   "Rest in Me."
But everything was beautiful; I couldn't see a need.
God put me in high school and said,
   "Rest in Me."
But I got it all done; there was not a need.
God put me in college and said,
   "Rest in Me."
But I guarded my sleep; I hid the need.
God moved me to a new city and put me in grad school and said,
   "Rest in Me."
But I hunted for answers and killed the need with desperate prayers.
God gave me a husband and said,
   "Rest in Me."
But someone showed me a good example, and I thought I had rested enough.
God gave me a child and said,
   "Rest in Me."
And I couldn't find myself, and I said,
   "God, where am I? Hold me."
And He was.

An Answer to Prayer in a Surprising Package

Can a super fussy baby be an answer to prayer? Why, yes!

I would never have thought so before about two weeks ago. But around that time I was voicing some stresses to God and family regarding how I spend time with my daughter, and, relatively quickly, she started behaving more demandingly than she ever had up until that point (granted, she's only about three months old, and I'm sure I'm still experiencing just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to dealing with demanding children).

My stresses had been these: What do I do with this baby? What if what I'm doing at this moment isn't the best thing for her? Should she play with her dangling toys or do some tummy time? Should I carry her around or set her down? Is the baby-wearing wrap the answer to everything or does she hate it? What if she's not developing as well as she could be? Should I play some classical music for her? What if I want to listen to some of my favorite alternative rock? Will it ruin her brain cells? Should I read her a book? Which one?

As you can imagine, my thoughts were exhausting. You're probably also thinking I'm neurotic. Well, you might be right. But let's not delve into that! Let's just say I'm highly perfectionist and sensitive to what I perceive to be potential threats (including guilt over making mistakes). I'm working on this.

Then God sent me a wonderful gift, misleadingly wrapped in just the checkout line's plastic bag, not pretty paper and ribbons. I didn't have high expectations when I first saw this package, but after opening and experiencing it, I came to appreciate its beauty.

My little girl started crying more often during the day. I hadn't changed anything for her (except all of her wet diapers), and I didn't think she was in pain or anything, but surely enough, she wasn't content. I quickly learned through desperation's trial and error the few things I could do to get her calm. Suddenly my options were limited.

Then it hit me: whatever I'm doing that's helping her not cry is the right thing to do. If she's not unhappy, then she's fine, and I should stop freaking out. I'm sure other parents have known this all along and may be laughing at me a little bit; that's okay. I'm just thankful for God's surprising answer to my prayer. He sends good gifts, and sometimes He has a sense of humor while He's at it.