The back of my left hand presses
pleasantly into a cotton blue pillowcase. Through my squinted
eyelid I see
soft edges of a flattened crescent that must have been
cut from back-lit clouds: it is that white -
almost pure light. This
light-shape
sits on my gently upturned finger. I can feel it
cool
in the narrow hollow
where finger meets palm
a dove
hiding itself
in the cleft of the rock
and this
shape lights
the sphere of my sight, making peripheral
the cool, dark masses of the furniture and shadows that
inhabit the room where
I'm lying.
Dec 19, 2016
Dec 5, 2016
The Hinge
She works - silent, invisible -
between
husband and children, the chores.
The children move her
back
and
forth;
she pivots, affixed to
their flexing muscles and electric minds.
Her husband - standing still -
stills her.
She has so tightly pressed into him
that an indentation in her own shape
now marks him.
Except he splinters, or
she erodes, they are an inseparable
one.
When she wearies - sore -
she groans, complains, yet still turns.
What she needs:
free
cashmere touches,
free
orchestral words.
With or without,
she remains - moving and working -
between
husband and children, the chores.
between
husband and children, the chores.
The children move her
back
and
forth;
she pivots, affixed to
their flexing muscles and electric minds.
Her husband - standing still -
stills her.
She has so tightly pressed into him
that an indentation in her own shape
now marks him.
Except he splinters, or
she erodes, they are an inseparable
one.
When she wearies - sore -
she groans, complains, yet still turns.
What she needs:
free
cashmere touches,
free
orchestral words.
With or without,
she remains - moving and working -
between
husband and children, the chores.
Nov 18, 2016
"Be a Man"
My sister and I, now in our late twenties, still like to sing the funny "I'll Make a Man Out of You" from Disney's Mulan. Every once in a while, something will remind us of the song, and we'll adopt our goofy "man" voices and belt it out. The chorus lyrics (by Donny Osmond) are:
Granted, the men (and one girl) singing the song in the movie are training for battle, so their focus is mostly on becoming physically fit, and rightly so. There can be a problem, though, when we tend to think of the military or similar types of jobs as the truly manly ones and thereby exclude important elements of manliness from our definitions.
I've come across a window decal with two stick figures, one plain and one in military uniform. Under the plain figure are the words "Your bro her."* Under the military figure are the words "My brother." It's fine to support the military, but is lack of strength equivalent to lack of manliness?
What about a man's character, for example? A man can be strong but lack integrity or kindness and therefore not be truly manly at all. Think of a muscly man coming across someone who just dropped a few bags of groceries in the parking lot. Instead of helping, what if he keeps walking, looking the other way? Is he manly?
Or consider wisdom. A man can be strong (and even extremely intelligent) and yet lack wisdom. Maybe he is full of arrogance, takes unnecessary risks, and gambles away his family's finances, leaving them to fend for themselves. Is he manly?
Of course, we can recognize when we think about it that character and wisdom are only two of many elements of manliness. Is physical strength one of them? Yes, on the whole. Generally speaking, men are physically stronger than women (though there are exceptions, of course), and God designed them that way! Their strength can be manly when used in service of the comprehensive masculinity God intends, or it can go against God's design and be used in an utterly unmanly way (such as aggressive, malicious violence).
Perhaps the window decal is referring not to physical strength but to bravery or self-sacrifice required to serve in the military (appropriate characteristics to be admired). Still, I see examples of selfless and courageous men being truly manly in other jobs, such as landscape design and accountancy. Their courage and selflessness show up when they work endless hours for their families, trust God's direction even when it seems crazy, and love their wives and kids even though they are exhausted.
My point is not to downplay the importance of the sacrifice made by those in the military (I cannot imagine the difficulties associated) but to reflect on what truly makes a masculine man. Proverbs 19:22 says, "That which is desirable in a man is his loyalty and unfailing love" (AMP). The ESV says, "What is desired in a man is steadfast love," and the NASB translates what is desired as "kindness." Whatever the translation, clearly an attractive man is a kind, loving, loyal man, who may or may not be physically strong.
*I searched for an image of this decal online and couldn't find it. I learned that the original decal reads "Your brother. My brother." Apparently the version I saw had had one of its "t"s scratched off as a kind of non-thoughtful joke or misguided assertion.
Be a manWith the exception of the last line, the characteristics of "man" in this song are related to physical prowess. Even the last line about a man being "mysterious" only seems to indicate that a man should hide something (what he is thinking or feeling, perhaps?). Does being a man really lie in the physical only? Does a man have to be burly to truly "be a man"?
We must be swift as the coursing river
Be a man
With all the force of a great typhoon
Be a man
With all the strength of a raging fire
Mysterious as the dark side of the moon.
Granted, the men (and one girl) singing the song in the movie are training for battle, so their focus is mostly on becoming physically fit, and rightly so. There can be a problem, though, when we tend to think of the military or similar types of jobs as the truly manly ones and thereby exclude important elements of manliness from our definitions.
I've come across a window decal with two stick figures, one plain and one in military uniform. Under the plain figure are the words "Your bro her."* Under the military figure are the words "My brother." It's fine to support the military, but is lack of strength equivalent to lack of manliness?
What about a man's character, for example? A man can be strong but lack integrity or kindness and therefore not be truly manly at all. Think of a muscly man coming across someone who just dropped a few bags of groceries in the parking lot. Instead of helping, what if he keeps walking, looking the other way? Is he manly?
Or consider wisdom. A man can be strong (and even extremely intelligent) and yet lack wisdom. Maybe he is full of arrogance, takes unnecessary risks, and gambles away his family's finances, leaving them to fend for themselves. Is he manly?
Of course, we can recognize when we think about it that character and wisdom are only two of many elements of manliness. Is physical strength one of them? Yes, on the whole. Generally speaking, men are physically stronger than women (though there are exceptions, of course), and God designed them that way! Their strength can be manly when used in service of the comprehensive masculinity God intends, or it can go against God's design and be used in an utterly unmanly way (such as aggressive, malicious violence).
Perhaps the window decal is referring not to physical strength but to bravery or self-sacrifice required to serve in the military (appropriate characteristics to be admired). Still, I see examples of selfless and courageous men being truly manly in other jobs, such as landscape design and accountancy. Their courage and selflessness show up when they work endless hours for their families, trust God's direction even when it seems crazy, and love their wives and kids even though they are exhausted.
My point is not to downplay the importance of the sacrifice made by those in the military (I cannot imagine the difficulties associated) but to reflect on what truly makes a masculine man. Proverbs 19:22 says, "That which is desirable in a man is his loyalty and unfailing love" (AMP). The ESV says, "What is desired in a man is steadfast love," and the NASB translates what is desired as "kindness." Whatever the translation, clearly an attractive man is a kind, loving, loyal man, who may or may not be physically strong.
*I searched for an image of this decal online and couldn't find it. I learned that the original decal reads "Your brother. My brother." Apparently the version I saw had had one of its "t"s scratched off as a kind of non-thoughtful joke or misguided assertion.
Oct 9, 2016
One Thing at a Time
"Stressed" defined my days. Sure, partly tiredness was creeping in and adding tension, but it was more than that. While I was taking care of the laundry and meals and such, I also had all of these projects in my head that I couldn't stop planning. I lamented my mere forty minutes a day (the length my daughter will sleep without me for her nap) in which I could sit down and knit, read, write, sew, etc., because I had so much more I wanted to do!
Then I read something in Jerry Bridges' Trusting God, the book my small group is going through this semester, about the stress we feel when we have two conflicting agendas (ours and God's) instead of one (God's). The passage seemed to fit what I was experiencing. I thought, I need to get rid of the extra agenda in my life and just focus on God's agenda for me.
But what does that look like? What is God's agenda?
I don't know exact details of God's plan for my life down to the minute, obviously, and I don't think we are even supposed to try to figure out "God's will" and wait around until He gives us some kind of grand sign telling us exactly what the next step is. No; I must take care of daily needs of myself and family, do the best I can to prayerfully thank God for what He provides, and cultivate a gracious attitude towards myself and the people around me.
While I may not know God's "agenda" for my life in a specific sense, here's one thing I know: I can only do one thing at a time. God made me a finite human being, capable of truly focusing well on any one given task. When I spend my energy imagining a multitude of tasks I can't reasonably accomplish in my allotted time, I'm being wasteful, and I'm not helping my attitude or my family. If instead I focus on enjoying the one thing that's been given me to do in the moment (read with my daughter) or that I choose to do in my free time (knit a soft grey hat), I feel happier, and I feel more of a sense of fulfillment in whatever I'm doing.
For the past week or so, I've been hearing "one thing at a time" running through my mind, and the simplified approach has helped my attitude and emotional state, even though my circumstances have not changed. I've felt more productive, even though I'm probably not actually doing any more than I would have had my attitude not shifted.
Praise God that He asks us for simple (though not always easy!) things:
"Mankind, He has told you what is good
and what it is the Lord requires of you:
to act justly,
to love faithfulness,
and to walk humbly with your God." (Micah 6:8)
Micah 6:8 describes God's agenda for me and for everyone. How the agenda works itself out in the day-to-day, well, I hope I'll answer that question one thing at a time.
Then I read something in Jerry Bridges' Trusting God, the book my small group is going through this semester, about the stress we feel when we have two conflicting agendas (ours and God's) instead of one (God's). The passage seemed to fit what I was experiencing. I thought, I need to get rid of the extra agenda in my life and just focus on God's agenda for me.
But what does that look like? What is God's agenda?
I don't know exact details of God's plan for my life down to the minute, obviously, and I don't think we are even supposed to try to figure out "God's will" and wait around until He gives us some kind of grand sign telling us exactly what the next step is. No; I must take care of daily needs of myself and family, do the best I can to prayerfully thank God for what He provides, and cultivate a gracious attitude towards myself and the people around me.
While I may not know God's "agenda" for my life in a specific sense, here's one thing I know: I can only do one thing at a time. God made me a finite human being, capable of truly focusing well on any one given task. When I spend my energy imagining a multitude of tasks I can't reasonably accomplish in my allotted time, I'm being wasteful, and I'm not helping my attitude or my family. If instead I focus on enjoying the one thing that's been given me to do in the moment (read with my daughter) or that I choose to do in my free time (knit a soft grey hat), I feel happier, and I feel more of a sense of fulfillment in whatever I'm doing.
For the past week or so, I've been hearing "one thing at a time" running through my mind, and the simplified approach has helped my attitude and emotional state, even though my circumstances have not changed. I've felt more productive, even though I'm probably not actually doing any more than I would have had my attitude not shifted.
Praise God that He asks us for simple (though not always easy!) things:
"Mankind, He has told you what is good
and what it is the Lord requires of you:
to act justly,
to love faithfulness,
and to walk humbly with your God." (Micah 6:8)
Micah 6:8 describes God's agenda for me and for everyone. How the agenda works itself out in the day-to-day, well, I hope I'll answer that question one thing at a time.
Sep 10, 2016
Learning from Jane
I finished listening to Jane Eyre the other day. Jane (as I like to affectionately call it) is my favorite book, and every reading it seems I catch something new in it, usually based on where I am in life at the time. This listen proved no exception; in fact, two elements stood out to me this go around - one an exhortation, the other an encouragement. We all need both of those from time to time!
Lately I've been a complainer. Realistically, I've always been a complainer. My personality tends towards pessimism and at the same time perfectionism. The combination of straining for gold while seeing only dirt can lead me to voice a constant stream of negativity. My complaining doesn't help anyone in my family, and it might hurt me most of all, since I am not content when I'm complaining. Constant lack of contentment eats away at me so that I feel downcast when, objectively, there's nothing wrong. Indeed, I have much to be thankful for.
The exhortation from Jane came over the course of the whole book as I paid attention to the bones of her life. Partly determined by time in history, partly by her station, Jane's life is simple. She doesn't have the expectation that entertainment should always be available at her fingertips. She doesn't begrudge hard work, diligent study, or the consequences of her own actions. In each stage of her life, she is satisfied with sometimes menial, day-to-day tasks and fellowship with a few people whom she calls friends.
Where is my satisfaction with the little things? If I have a roof over my head, food to eat, clothes to wear, and a few people to love and care for, should I not be content? If I have daily chores to accomplish and can even find time in my schedule, however brief, for doing something merely for my own refreshment, should I not call myself blessed?
Jane's encouragement, like her exhortation, deals with contentment. Since having a baby and leaving my full-time job, I've struggled with feeling like some part of me is being wasted and - what's more frightening - might be wasting away. Daily care of a one-year-old is, simply put, boring. There's nothing particularly intellectually engaging about singing silly songs, reading simple books, and mopping up messes from the floor under the kitchen table. Sometimes I hear a nagging voice telling me that I'm missing something in life now that I have stepped away from the adult, productive world into a world of little things.
When Jane accepts a humble teaching position from Mr. Rivers, she steps into a world of little things compared with what she has known previously:
As a stay-at-home mom, may I learn to be content with the simple things, be thankful for the beautiful blessings God sends my way every day (bubble baths, tickles and giggles, tiny adorable outfits on my little one), and trust that the place I am now is important. Whatever is most valuable that God has woven into the fabric of my life is still being developed right now, and if any part is "on hold," it will keep.
Lately I've been a complainer. Realistically, I've always been a complainer. My personality tends towards pessimism and at the same time perfectionism. The combination of straining for gold while seeing only dirt can lead me to voice a constant stream of negativity. My complaining doesn't help anyone in my family, and it might hurt me most of all, since I am not content when I'm complaining. Constant lack of contentment eats away at me so that I feel downcast when, objectively, there's nothing wrong. Indeed, I have much to be thankful for.
The exhortation from Jane came over the course of the whole book as I paid attention to the bones of her life. Partly determined by time in history, partly by her station, Jane's life is simple. She doesn't have the expectation that entertainment should always be available at her fingertips. She doesn't begrudge hard work, diligent study, or the consequences of her own actions. In each stage of her life, she is satisfied with sometimes menial, day-to-day tasks and fellowship with a few people whom she calls friends.
Where is my satisfaction with the little things? If I have a roof over my head, food to eat, clothes to wear, and a few people to love and care for, should I not be content? If I have daily chores to accomplish and can even find time in my schedule, however brief, for doing something merely for my own refreshment, should I not call myself blessed?
Jane's encouragement, like her exhortation, deals with contentment. Since having a baby and leaving my full-time job, I've struggled with feeling like some part of me is being wasted and - what's more frightening - might be wasting away. Daily care of a one-year-old is, simply put, boring. There's nothing particularly intellectually engaging about singing silly songs, reading simple books, and mopping up messes from the floor under the kitchen table. Sometimes I hear a nagging voice telling me that I'm missing something in life now that I have stepped away from the adult, productive world into a world of little things.
When Jane accepts a humble teaching position from Mr. Rivers, she steps into a world of little things compared with what she has known previously:
". . . I accept it with all my heart."
"But you comprehend me?" he said. "It is a village-school: your scholars will be only poor girls . . . What will you do with your accomplishments? What, with the largest portion of your mind - sentiments - tastes?"
"Save them till they are wanted. They will keep."They will keep. Those words reassure me as I wonder if my "former life" is all pointless now. When will I again need to use what I learned back then? Maybe never in the ways I was accustomed to before, but probably in some unexpected ways my previous learning and experience will come into play again. If nothing else, I know God made me for Himself and put those learning opportunities, talents, interests, and work experiences in my path and in my heart for many reasons, even if I don't know now what the reasons will be in the future.
As a stay-at-home mom, may I learn to be content with the simple things, be thankful for the beautiful blessings God sends my way every day (bubble baths, tickles and giggles, tiny adorable outfits on my little one), and trust that the place I am now is important. Whatever is most valuable that God has woven into the fabric of my life is still being developed right now, and if any part is "on hold," it will keep.
Aug 30, 2016
Paddling with My Head Out of the Water
I've been wanting to write about the "rest of the story" of my postpartum depression for a few months now, but this past week my husband spoke a catalyst for my ideas (not an uncommon occurrence!). He was encouraging me about my mothering abilities and he reminded me of something he'd predicted before our daughter was born: He'd said I would take to being a mom like a duck takes to water. However, he reflected, now I was finally paddling with my head out of the water, able to see around me, whereas for the first eight months or so, I had been swimming in the pond with my head under the water the whole time (still paddling away, being a good mom, just not really enjoying it much).
What a funny image, a duck paddling through a murky pond with its head continuously underwater. That is rather what life felt like in the months after little girl was born. Though I was functioning (albeit at minimal levels sometimes), everything seemed muddy, thick, and dark. Some of what I was feeling I put into an earlier post, and now it's time to tell what happened that brought my head out of the water.
Midway through February of this year I got a terrible stomach bug. This thing was more like a stomach giant squid. I was knocked out flat (literally flat on the floor or the bed most of the time) for a few days, and my mom had to come take care of little one so I could rest and recover and suck on ice chips. After almost a week of dehydration and exhaustion, I went to the doctor, thinking I was also having panic attacks (turns out I was probably dizzy from dehydration). This sickness is what finally drove me to go see a doctor about not only the physical illness, but the mental/psychological/emotional one I had been suffering as well. The week that I was temporarily unable to physically care for my daughter showed me I needed help in other areas, too!
On the way to the doctor and throughout those few days I had conversations with my husband, sister, parents, grandma, cousin, and life-long best friend, who all encouraged me that medication for anxiety or depression could be the solution I needed. I was finally ready to be willing to go down that path if necessary, whereas I had always fought against medication as an option before. One thing that scared me about it now was that I was breastfeeding my daughter and our nursing relationship was very important to me. I knew that if we had to stop it suddenly, there would be a whole new mess of emotions tangled up in the weaning.
After seeing the doctor, whom I'd never met before (with my sister there for moral support), and waiting for a referral to a psychologist, something happened. My mom and sister and I had been planning on driving about five hours up to our old home town to attend a friend's baby shower at the end of February. I'd been a wreck about it (since traveling with my daughter that far seemed like an impending catastrophe to me at the time). I ended up deciding not to go. Then, the day before the dreaded road trip, something in me clicked and I got our stuff together and headed to my mom's house to get ready to do the road trip. The four of us made it through the weekend. Lots of brick walls in my mind crumbled during that trip. Forced to be flexible, I saw that flexibility could actually work.
For a couple of weeks after the trip, what I can only describe as a mini miracle took place in my mind and emotions. It was like a switch had gone off in my brain (my husband agrees). I'm not sure if it was biological (diet change?), hormonal (always in flux!), or just plain supernatural (God is at work, after all!), but God allowed me to have positive thoughts and feelings about my daughter, our life, and myself. I cannot remember the last time I'd had such thoughts before that week. I cannot completely explain the kinds of thoughts I had, but they were like visions of the future that were memories at the same time. I envisioned slumber parties with my daughter where we would wear matching pajamas and watch movies. I saw Thanksgiving family gatherings for which we'd be baking and setting the table together. I felt warm feelings like the ones I feel during Christmastime (the highest praise coming from me - if anything is comparable to Christmas, in my mind, it's essentially the best it could possibly be). In short, I caught glimpses of the potential "warm fuzzies" in my family's future, and these insights changed my feelings for my daughter and for myself as a mom.
After a couple of weeks, the "feeling memories" stopped happening (they had been almost continuous for that time - an amazing gift from my Father!), but my changed emotional attitude remained. I was finally feeling more like myself again. A tired and sometimes bored out of my mind version of myself, but myself nonetheless, I was able to look about and see the beauty of the pond where I'm now swimming. And God allowed me to feel better without the aid of medication, so I was and am still able to breastfeed my daughter successfully and without concern. This little duck is still paddling, by God's grace!
____________
Note: From doing a bit of research I've learned there are some medications to alleviate depression that doctors prescribe to nursing mothers so they are able to continue nursing! When postpartum depression requires medication to help you get back to yourself, it's OK to get help in that way. God provides through medicines, too.
What a funny image, a duck paddling through a murky pond with its head continuously underwater. That is rather what life felt like in the months after little girl was born. Though I was functioning (albeit at minimal levels sometimes), everything seemed muddy, thick, and dark. Some of what I was feeling I put into an earlier post, and now it's time to tell what happened that brought my head out of the water.
Midway through February of this year I got a terrible stomach bug. This thing was more like a stomach giant squid. I was knocked out flat (literally flat on the floor or the bed most of the time) for a few days, and my mom had to come take care of little one so I could rest and recover and suck on ice chips. After almost a week of dehydration and exhaustion, I went to the doctor, thinking I was also having panic attacks (turns out I was probably dizzy from dehydration). This sickness is what finally drove me to go see a doctor about not only the physical illness, but the mental/psychological/emotional one I had been suffering as well. The week that I was temporarily unable to physically care for my daughter showed me I needed help in other areas, too!
On the way to the doctor and throughout those few days I had conversations with my husband, sister, parents, grandma, cousin, and life-long best friend, who all encouraged me that medication for anxiety or depression could be the solution I needed. I was finally ready to be willing to go down that path if necessary, whereas I had always fought against medication as an option before. One thing that scared me about it now was that I was breastfeeding my daughter and our nursing relationship was very important to me. I knew that if we had to stop it suddenly, there would be a whole new mess of emotions tangled up in the weaning.
After seeing the doctor, whom I'd never met before (with my sister there for moral support), and waiting for a referral to a psychologist, something happened. My mom and sister and I had been planning on driving about five hours up to our old home town to attend a friend's baby shower at the end of February. I'd been a wreck about it (since traveling with my daughter that far seemed like an impending catastrophe to me at the time). I ended up deciding not to go. Then, the day before the dreaded road trip, something in me clicked and I got our stuff together and headed to my mom's house to get ready to do the road trip. The four of us made it through the weekend. Lots of brick walls in my mind crumbled during that trip. Forced to be flexible, I saw that flexibility could actually work.
For a couple of weeks after the trip, what I can only describe as a mini miracle took place in my mind and emotions. It was like a switch had gone off in my brain (my husband agrees). I'm not sure if it was biological (diet change?), hormonal (always in flux!), or just plain supernatural (God is at work, after all!), but God allowed me to have positive thoughts and feelings about my daughter, our life, and myself. I cannot remember the last time I'd had such thoughts before that week. I cannot completely explain the kinds of thoughts I had, but they were like visions of the future that were memories at the same time. I envisioned slumber parties with my daughter where we would wear matching pajamas and watch movies. I saw Thanksgiving family gatherings for which we'd be baking and setting the table together. I felt warm feelings like the ones I feel during Christmastime (the highest praise coming from me - if anything is comparable to Christmas, in my mind, it's essentially the best it could possibly be). In short, I caught glimpses of the potential "warm fuzzies" in my family's future, and these insights changed my feelings for my daughter and for myself as a mom.
After a couple of weeks, the "feeling memories" stopped happening (they had been almost continuous for that time - an amazing gift from my Father!), but my changed emotional attitude remained. I was finally feeling more like myself again. A tired and sometimes bored out of my mind version of myself, but myself nonetheless, I was able to look about and see the beauty of the pond where I'm now swimming. And God allowed me to feel better without the aid of medication, so I was and am still able to breastfeed my daughter successfully and without concern. This little duck is still paddling, by God's grace!
____________
Note: From doing a bit of research I've learned there are some medications to alleviate depression that doctors prescribe to nursing mothers so they are able to continue nursing! When postpartum depression requires medication to help you get back to yourself, it's OK to get help in that way. God provides through medicines, too.
Aug 26, 2016
A Strange Man Winked at Me, and It Made My Day
My mom, daughter, and I were at the playground next to the covered picnic area where the local farmer's market meets every Thursday at 4 pm. It was still only 3:30, so we had a while to hang out before finding our home-grown treasures. There was another family also playing there, and I can only describe them as sparkling. Somehow they reminded me of gems as they enjoyed each other and the warmth of the day.
The mom and little baby were relaxing on a bench, nursing, and the two little girls, maybe 5 and 4, were running around in flowing tops and jeans, while the daddy was delightedly responding to their creative play.
"Daddy, I found a nest in the tree!"
"You did? You see everything! Wow! That's amazing!"
"You can't catch me, Daddy!"
"I'm coming to get you!"
As I observed all of the excitement and heard the giggles, I was quite impressed with this family's interactions. The dad was so encouraging to his girls and, one could see, supportive of his wife. When the farmer's market was about to start, he continued to play with the girls as the mom headed over to do her shopping. This was just one of those families that one aspires to be part of. I hope we're like that someday, I was thinking, almost sub-consciously.
4 o'clock drew closer, and Mom and I decided to go search out the local coffee roaster. I grabbed my little girl and followed my mom across the playground towards the picnic tables, passing by the gem dad (who was now holding his baby) and his little girls as I did so. Planning a big approving smile as I approached him, I was ready to meet his eye. But I wasn't ready for the gigantic wink that he gave me as I came closer. The gem had flashed in the sunlight, and I burst into a huge grin and let out a laugh, too. I couldn't help but keep smiling throughout our whole time shopping, and I couldn't stop thinking about the inspirational dad and his neat family.
The power of a man who is doing his masculine role well, who is excelling in uplifting his family and engaging with them, is immense. He has the ability to show others the way by example. He has the ability to say implicitly to others, "I know you're in this life thing, too, and you are doing a great job. Keep on! You can do it." At least, those are the words I heard in my mind as I caught the wink of this stranger. Thanks, stranger, and thanks to all fathers and husbands out there who are doing the same.
The mom and little baby were relaxing on a bench, nursing, and the two little girls, maybe 5 and 4, were running around in flowing tops and jeans, while the daddy was delightedly responding to their creative play.
"Daddy, I found a nest in the tree!"
"You did? You see everything! Wow! That's amazing!"
"You can't catch me, Daddy!"
"I'm coming to get you!"
As I observed all of the excitement and heard the giggles, I was quite impressed with this family's interactions. The dad was so encouraging to his girls and, one could see, supportive of his wife. When the farmer's market was about to start, he continued to play with the girls as the mom headed over to do her shopping. This was just one of those families that one aspires to be part of. I hope we're like that someday, I was thinking, almost sub-consciously.
4 o'clock drew closer, and Mom and I decided to go search out the local coffee roaster. I grabbed my little girl and followed my mom across the playground towards the picnic tables, passing by the gem dad (who was now holding his baby) and his little girls as I did so. Planning a big approving smile as I approached him, I was ready to meet his eye. But I wasn't ready for the gigantic wink that he gave me as I came closer. The gem had flashed in the sunlight, and I burst into a huge grin and let out a laugh, too. I couldn't help but keep smiling throughout our whole time shopping, and I couldn't stop thinking about the inspirational dad and his neat family.
The power of a man who is doing his masculine role well, who is excelling in uplifting his family and engaging with them, is immense. He has the ability to show others the way by example. He has the ability to say implicitly to others, "I know you're in this life thing, too, and you are doing a great job. Keep on! You can do it." At least, those are the words I heard in my mind as I caught the wink of this stranger. Thanks, stranger, and thanks to all fathers and husbands out there who are doing the same.
Jul 18, 2016
What I Learned from Fostering a Dog
Last weekend we decided to foster a dog from a nearby shelter. My husband has wanted a dog since before we got married, but I already had a cat when we got married, and we've lived in apartments until this year, so we never had the opportunity to try a dog until now. We decided to foster rather than adopt right away because we had no idea how our cat would react and wanted to give her a chance to try the arrangement before totally committing. As it turns out, she was not happy with a dog barking and running around the house. She wasn't the only one who wasn't quite ready for a new family member, though!
Keeping a dog for two nights showed us a few practical things, most importantly that we either need to get an older, relaxed dog, or wait for a while until trying a young, active dog again. However, what surprised me about this weekend adventure was that the experience reminded me of truths unrelated to the dog itself.
First, the experience reminded me that my husband is on my team. He was as giddy as a little kid on our way to the shelter to pick up the dog. He was talkative and hopeful. I could sense how much having a doggy companion means to him. A dog draws out his affections (like a cat draws out mine). But as soon as it became clear that this dog was not going to work in our family, my husband changed gears and did not even show too much disappointment (although I know he felt it). He reassured me that our marriage was more important to him than a dog, and that he would happily keep waiting until it's a better time to get a dog. This reminder of my husband's graciousness was encouraging to me. I need not feel guilty that I'm dragging him down by my past decision to get a cat (or, indeed, by my high emotional needs and lack of extra energy right now to take care of a dog). He is for me.
Second, I am for my husband. Yes, it's true! The fact that I was willing to at least try the dog reminded me that I am stronger and more capable of stepping out of my comfort zone than I had realized since becoming a mom. I was willing to stretch. It just turned out that this particular situation would have been a snapping, not a stretch!
I told my husband on our way home with the dog that a verse in the Bible had encouraged me to accept the challenge of dog fostering:
Keeping a dog for two nights showed us a few practical things, most importantly that we either need to get an older, relaxed dog, or wait for a while until trying a young, active dog again. However, what surprised me about this weekend adventure was that the experience reminded me of truths unrelated to the dog itself.
First, the experience reminded me that my husband is on my team. He was as giddy as a little kid on our way to the shelter to pick up the dog. He was talkative and hopeful. I could sense how much having a doggy companion means to him. A dog draws out his affections (like a cat draws out mine). But as soon as it became clear that this dog was not going to work in our family, my husband changed gears and did not even show too much disappointment (although I know he felt it). He reassured me that our marriage was more important to him than a dog, and that he would happily keep waiting until it's a better time to get a dog. This reminder of my husband's graciousness was encouraging to me. I need not feel guilty that I'm dragging him down by my past decision to get a cat (or, indeed, by my high emotional needs and lack of extra energy right now to take care of a dog). He is for me.
Second, I am for my husband. Yes, it's true! The fact that I was willing to at least try the dog reminded me that I am stronger and more capable of stepping out of my comfort zone than I had realized since becoming a mom. I was willing to stretch. It just turned out that this particular situation would have been a snapping, not a stretch!
I told my husband on our way home with the dog that a verse in the Bible had encouraged me to accept the challenge of dog fostering:
"Enlarge the place of your tent; Stretch out the curtains of your dwellings, spare not; Lengthen your cords and strengthen your pegs." Isaiah 54:2One of my favorites, this verse has encouraged me many times with the idea that it's good to let go of my control a little bit in order to live life more fully. On the whole, I'm glad we fostered the dog. Even though it didn't work out as we'd hoped, I think the curtains, cords, and pegs of our marriage and our family were effectively stretched out, lengthened, and strengthened as a result of our adventure.
Jun 1, 2016
All or [Something]
My daughter's first birthday is approaching, and I've been remembering the day she was born. The labor and delivery experience was mostly just what I could have hoped for, but there were a couple of incidents that I wish I could go back and change (as you can read about in a post I wrote to document the experience). These lingering regrets were the topic of a recent tearful bedtime conversation between my husband and me. It may seem silly, but yes, that frustrating disappointment was still bothering me. I told my husband that I wished I could go back and fix it. True to his teacherly style (though he's not a teacher), my husband counseled me using a metaphor I could relate to as an English major: "Why? The paper has been turned in. It's done. Forget about it and move on!"
"But I want to turn in an addendum!" I moaned. "I want to fix the broken things." His response was a revelation and turning point for me: "It's not broken." Simple.
He was completely right, of course. Why, then, had I been feeling so strongly that my labor and delivery experience was broken somehow?
My general take on life, especially tasks I feel responsible for, could fit the expression that "it's all or nothing." Washing with a bar of soap that turned out to smell strange? Use it all up anyway. Using cloth diapers? Better not reach for that disposable. Cleaning house? Darned if it's not a disaster every evening when I haven't swept, mopped, dusted, and wiped down the entire house. In other words, it's all or nothing or I've failed.
But lately I've had to adjust my expectations of myself. Having a kid complicates things. Honestly, having a life complicates things. The cloth diapering is a good example of a responsibility that I've relaxed about. Sometimes a disposable is necessary or just plain easier, and using one doesn't mean that all of the cloth diapering is wasted. We can still have the benefits of cloth even if I use a disposable now and then.
The same is true of the labor and delivery that I've struggled to get past emotionally. Nothing about it needed fixing. Rather, my feelings are what need some adjustment. In reality, the experience was a good one. God gave us a healthy baby. My focus has to shift as I think more gratefully than regretfully about the whole thing. Sometimes life is not "all or nothing." Sometimes plain, ordinary "something" is enough.
"But I want to turn in an addendum!" I moaned. "I want to fix the broken things." His response was a revelation and turning point for me: "It's not broken." Simple.
He was completely right, of course. Why, then, had I been feeling so strongly that my labor and delivery experience was broken somehow?
My general take on life, especially tasks I feel responsible for, could fit the expression that "it's all or nothing." Washing with a bar of soap that turned out to smell strange? Use it all up anyway. Using cloth diapers? Better not reach for that disposable. Cleaning house? Darned if it's not a disaster every evening when I haven't swept, mopped, dusted, and wiped down the entire house. In other words, it's all or nothing or I've failed.
But lately I've had to adjust my expectations of myself. Having a kid complicates things. Honestly, having a life complicates things. The cloth diapering is a good example of a responsibility that I've relaxed about. Sometimes a disposable is necessary or just plain easier, and using one doesn't mean that all of the cloth diapering is wasted. We can still have the benefits of cloth even if I use a disposable now and then.
The same is true of the labor and delivery that I've struggled to get past emotionally. Nothing about it needed fixing. Rather, my feelings are what need some adjustment. In reality, the experience was a good one. God gave us a healthy baby. My focus has to shift as I think more gratefully than regretfully about the whole thing. Sometimes life is not "all or nothing." Sometimes plain, ordinary "something" is enough.
May 22, 2016
Blind or Bound?
Is love really blind? In Orthodoxy, G. K. Chesterton argues that love, contrary to the common saying, is not blind:
While I enjoy and appreciate this interpretation of love by Chesterton, it reminds me of another favorite set of lines from Shakespeare that take a different tack:
However, a secondary interpretation is, I think, acceptable, on the larger foundation of Shakespeare's themes in the play as a whole: love focuses not on superficial qualities but on inner worth (hence, it "looks not with the eyes but with the mind"). The things appearing "base and vile" may in fact be lifted up to worthiness simply because they are loved. I imagine a scruffy, mangy dog in an alley being taken in and cared for, trained, and loved until he becomes a companion dog worth having. Love is capable of taking pains to make such transformations.
So, is love blind? Or, as Chesterton puts it, is it instead bound? I think these two interpretations may not be exclusive. Instead, they can work together. According to the Bible's view of it, love could be said to be both blind and bound. This, in fact, might be a way of summing up the entire message of the gospel.
Similar to Shakespeare's idea that love transforms base things to dignified things is the Bible's message that God loves people who are filthy with wrongdoing and thereby changes them into people who are clean with goodness. Many verses of Scripture make this statement: "But God proves His own love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us!" (Romans 5:8). Again, "He has rescued us from the domain of darkness and transferred us into the kingdom of the Son He loves" (Colossians 1:13). Because of God's loving gift of His Son, "if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away, and look, new things have come" (2 Corinthians 5:17). People are transformed through God's act of love from sinners in darkness into heirs with Christ Himself (Romans 8:17). God's love could be said to look with the mind rather than the eyes, as He sees the value of the person He is transforming rather than the person's outward appearance. Indeed, God tells Samuel that "man does not see what the Lord sees, for man sees what is visible, but the Lord sees the heart" (1 Samuel 16:7). Jesus' followers are told: "stop judging according to outward appearances; rather judge according to righteous judgment" (John 7:23-25). Perhaps God's love is blind, looking not at the superficial but at the true worth of a person, and therefore making the person worthy.
On the other hand, the Bible makes it clear that true love is not blind to errors or wrongdoing. Instead, it is bound to working hard to gain the best for its object, even if that means pointing out faults. John describes Jesus as being "full of grace and truth" (John 1:14); truth is not to be overlooked or ignored for the sake of love. In Paul's famous treatise on love to the Corinthians, he says that "love finds no joy in unrighteousness but rejoices in the truth" (1 Corinthians 13:6). The book of Proverbs explains that God's love involves discipline just like a father's love involves discipline of the "son he delights in" (Proverbs 3:12). God's idea is that love must be bound to the ultimate good of its objects; it cannot simply ignore negative traits that are harmful in the long run.
In the person of Jesus, God's idea of love is perfectly expressed. Through Jesus' death on the cross, God shows His willingness to extend complete grace - a totally free gift of salvation that only a perfectly sinless life deserves. He also shows His righteousness in providing the complete condemnation that only sinful lives deserve. Though Jesus was perfectly sinless, He took on Himself that punishment so that we, deserving of death, might instead have the salvation. God's love is both blind in its willingness to give the free gift and bound in its meeting the righteous requirement of holy justice. True love must be blind enough to look inside at true worth and bound enough to work for the polishing of that worth so it can shine.
The devotee is entirely free to criticise; the fanatic can safely be a sceptic. Love is not blind; that is the last thing that it is. Love is bound; and the more it is bound the less it is blind.As an example to support this argument, Chesterton writes, "A man's friend likes him but leaves him as he is: his wife loves him and is always trying to turn him into somebody else." (Given the whole context, it is understood that the wife is trying to improve the husband into his best self, not turn him into something he is not.) In other words, the person who truly loves another person, or a place or object, is not blind to his or its faults, but rather sees them fully and attempts to get rid of them for the sake of the person, place, or object's best interests.
While I enjoy and appreciate this interpretation of love by Chesterton, it reminds me of another favorite set of lines from Shakespeare that take a different tack:
Things base and vile, holding no quantity,Shakespeare's character Helena speaks these lines in her revealing soliloquy, and they seem to agree with the expression that "love is blind." I think this speech may be interpreted in two different ways. First, given the immediate situation of the play when Helena utters these words, we can take it that Helena is admitting to loving someone not perhaps worth her unconditional devotion (a man who does not love her back), (and/)or that she is accusing the man who does not love her of loving another woman who is not as worthy of his love as she herself is.
Love can transpose to form and dignity.
Love looks not with the eyes but with the mind;
And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind. (A Midsummer Night's Dream 1.1.238-41)
However, a secondary interpretation is, I think, acceptable, on the larger foundation of Shakespeare's themes in the play as a whole: love focuses not on superficial qualities but on inner worth (hence, it "looks not with the eyes but with the mind"). The things appearing "base and vile" may in fact be lifted up to worthiness simply because they are loved. I imagine a scruffy, mangy dog in an alley being taken in and cared for, trained, and loved until he becomes a companion dog worth having. Love is capable of taking pains to make such transformations.
So, is love blind? Or, as Chesterton puts it, is it instead bound? I think these two interpretations may not be exclusive. Instead, they can work together. According to the Bible's view of it, love could be said to be both blind and bound. This, in fact, might be a way of summing up the entire message of the gospel.
Similar to Shakespeare's idea that love transforms base things to dignified things is the Bible's message that God loves people who are filthy with wrongdoing and thereby changes them into people who are clean with goodness. Many verses of Scripture make this statement: "But God proves His own love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us!" (Romans 5:8). Again, "He has rescued us from the domain of darkness and transferred us into the kingdom of the Son He loves" (Colossians 1:13). Because of God's loving gift of His Son, "if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away, and look, new things have come" (2 Corinthians 5:17). People are transformed through God's act of love from sinners in darkness into heirs with Christ Himself (Romans 8:17). God's love could be said to look with the mind rather than the eyes, as He sees the value of the person He is transforming rather than the person's outward appearance. Indeed, God tells Samuel that "man does not see what the Lord sees, for man sees what is visible, but the Lord sees the heart" (1 Samuel 16:7). Jesus' followers are told: "stop judging according to outward appearances; rather judge according to righteous judgment" (John 7:23-25). Perhaps God's love is blind, looking not at the superficial but at the true worth of a person, and therefore making the person worthy.
On the other hand, the Bible makes it clear that true love is not blind to errors or wrongdoing. Instead, it is bound to working hard to gain the best for its object, even if that means pointing out faults. John describes Jesus as being "full of grace and truth" (John 1:14); truth is not to be overlooked or ignored for the sake of love. In Paul's famous treatise on love to the Corinthians, he says that "love finds no joy in unrighteousness but rejoices in the truth" (1 Corinthians 13:6). The book of Proverbs explains that God's love involves discipline just like a father's love involves discipline of the "son he delights in" (Proverbs 3:12). God's idea is that love must be bound to the ultimate good of its objects; it cannot simply ignore negative traits that are harmful in the long run.
In the person of Jesus, God's idea of love is perfectly expressed. Through Jesus' death on the cross, God shows His willingness to extend complete grace - a totally free gift of salvation that only a perfectly sinless life deserves. He also shows His righteousness in providing the complete condemnation that only sinful lives deserve. Though Jesus was perfectly sinless, He took on Himself that punishment so that we, deserving of death, might instead have the salvation. God's love is both blind in its willingness to give the free gift and bound in its meeting the righteous requirement of holy justice. True love must be blind enough to look inside at true worth and bound enough to work for the polishing of that worth so it can shine.
Apr 27, 2016
Beauty Not Chosen
Recently I listened to All the Light We Cannot See, a novel by Anthony Doerr. One of its predominating themes is that life is fuller when we take in as much of the beauty that surrounds us as we can. Beauty can be found in even surprising packages, like snails, which fascinate one of the main characters in the novel. Listening to the story inspired me to be more aware of my own surroundings and to find them beautiful. Additionally, an old friend wrote to me in a message about the beauty of spring that is starting to emerge in nature and how we might see that beauty reflected in our lives. Consequently, I started to notice and to appreciate the pretty sights in our own backyard.
The yard is not one we created ourselves; we moved to this house in the middle of January and inherited the landscaping that was already present, including a few nice trees, and, most notably, rose bushes. The roses were everywhere. They edged the perimeter of the backyard and side yard and they resided in several front yard beds as well. Everywhere we turned we saw roses. They weren't exactly nice to look at, either. They were scrubby, gray, branchy, thorny things. There was no way to tell if they were even alive.
My immediate response to so many roses was less than positive. Roses would certainly not be my first, second, third, fourth, or even fifth choice in terms of landscaping. (Read: I would never choose them.) Roses are notorious for being difficult plants riddled with pests and plagued with diseases, as far as I know. Plus, they are overrated. And thorny.
Then some blooms appeared. They appeased me a bit. I looked up some information on how to take care of roses, started pruning, and decided that maybe they would be worth the work.
Now as May approaches, the roses are getting ready to kick it into high gear. More and more blooms have adorned their thorny stems. I'm appreciating their presence. After all, if they weren't there, we'd have a bare yard.
Although the roses are not what I would have chosen, I'm beginning to see and value their beauty. In much the same way, I recognize there are aspects of my life I wouldn't have chosen right now, but if I take the time to learn about them and make an effort to cultivate them, I can also value their beauty. Having a baby has been a challenge, and I would not choose to be waking up to settle a little ten month-old multiple times a night in my ideal world, but I can take from this situation many beautiful blooms: extra cuddles, the chance to provide for my daughter, the opportunity to lean heavily on my Father's arms.
Sometimes at night I hum to myself the hymn about "leaning on Jesus, leaning on Jesus, leaning on the everlasting arms." His love is sustaining me and His burden is light. This truth is sweet and beautiful to me as a rose.
The yard is not one we created ourselves; we moved to this house in the middle of January and inherited the landscaping that was already present, including a few nice trees, and, most notably, rose bushes. The roses were everywhere. They edged the perimeter of the backyard and side yard and they resided in several front yard beds as well. Everywhere we turned we saw roses. They weren't exactly nice to look at, either. They were scrubby, gray, branchy, thorny things. There was no way to tell if they were even alive.
My immediate response to so many roses was less than positive. Roses would certainly not be my first, second, third, fourth, or even fifth choice in terms of landscaping. (Read: I would never choose them.) Roses are notorious for being difficult plants riddled with pests and plagued with diseases, as far as I know. Plus, they are overrated. And thorny.
Then some blooms appeared. They appeased me a bit. I looked up some information on how to take care of roses, started pruning, and decided that maybe they would be worth the work.
Now as May approaches, the roses are getting ready to kick it into high gear. More and more blooms have adorned their thorny stems. I'm appreciating their presence. After all, if they weren't there, we'd have a bare yard.
Although the roses are not what I would have chosen, I'm beginning to see and value their beauty. In much the same way, I recognize there are aspects of my life I wouldn't have chosen right now, but if I take the time to learn about them and make an effort to cultivate them, I can also value their beauty. Having a baby has been a challenge, and I would not choose to be waking up to settle a little ten month-old multiple times a night in my ideal world, but I can take from this situation many beautiful blooms: extra cuddles, the chance to provide for my daughter, the opportunity to lean heavily on my Father's arms.
Sometimes at night I hum to myself the hymn about "leaning on Jesus, leaning on Jesus, leaning on the everlasting arms." His love is sustaining me and His burden is light. This truth is sweet and beautiful to me as a rose.
Mar 28, 2016
Need
God made me a child and said,
"Rest in Me."
But everything was beautiful; I couldn't see a need.
God put me in high school and said,
"Rest in Me."
But I got it all done; there was not a need.
God put me in college and said,
"Rest in Me."
But I guarded my sleep; I hid the need.
God moved me to a new city and put me in grad school and said,
"Rest in Me."
But I hunted for answers and killed the need with desperate prayers.
God gave me a husband and said,
"Rest in Me."
But someone showed me a good example, and I thought I had rested enough.
God gave me a child and said,
"Rest in Me."
And I couldn't find myself, and I said,
"God, where am I? Hold me."
And He was.
"Rest in Me."
But everything was beautiful; I couldn't see a need.
God put me in high school and said,
"Rest in Me."
But I got it all done; there was not a need.
God put me in college and said,
"Rest in Me."
But I guarded my sleep; I hid the need.
God moved me to a new city and put me in grad school and said,
"Rest in Me."
But I hunted for answers and killed the need with desperate prayers.
God gave me a husband and said,
"Rest in Me."
But someone showed me a good example, and I thought I had rested enough.
God gave me a child and said,
"Rest in Me."
And I couldn't find myself, and I said,
"God, where am I? Hold me."
And He was.
Feb 23, 2016
Try and Fail
I recently listened to Anne of Green Gables by L. M. Montgomery. When I heard Anne make the claim that "next to trying and winning, the best thing is trying and failing," I nearly fell out of my socks. I'm notorious for wanting to know with absolute certainty, one hundred percent of the time, with no exceptions, exactly what the outcomes will be in any given situation. If, somehow, I don't foresee said outcomes, or if, like sensing an impending storm, I sniff out dangerous outcomes ahead, I would sooner not attempt the task, not step into the situation, not make the decision, not go, not join in, not try. The idea that it's better to try and fail than not to try at all is simply shocking to me.
Yet I believe the idea might just be true. I don't mean in contexts involving a decision resembling gambling. Wisdom should be involved. But given the application of wisdom, what harm is there in failure? Embarrassment? Shame? Hurt? Vulnerability? Pride doesn't want me to feel these things. But what if feeling a bit embarrassed is what it takes to at least gain a new experience or learn more about life (even if it just means learning I'm not great at something)? I know learning is good, and pride isn't a valid reason to do or not do something.
Ah, yes, but my perfect world in its perfect orderly state is in jeopardy if I try with the possibility of failing. On the other hand, if I keep everything under control then nothing unexpected happens, and I can dance through my day without the slightest hint of a misstep.
Well, news flash, self: you are never really in control in the first place!
It may feel like I'm conducting the orchestra, but the Lord, the sovereign Creator, is the one who actually maintains even my ability to breathe. If I recognize this truth, maybe I can relax enough to try when there's a possibility of failing.
But why bother? What is there to gain? I think perhaps the gain is itself partly a loss: loss of fear, anxiety, and pride. The gain is also trust that's placed in God more than in myself. Maybe the gain could also be having a bit of fun. Wait, no. That can't be right.
Yet I believe the idea might just be true. I don't mean in contexts involving a decision resembling gambling. Wisdom should be involved. But given the application of wisdom, what harm is there in failure? Embarrassment? Shame? Hurt? Vulnerability? Pride doesn't want me to feel these things. But what if feeling a bit embarrassed is what it takes to at least gain a new experience or learn more about life (even if it just means learning I'm not great at something)? I know learning is good, and pride isn't a valid reason to do or not do something.
Ah, yes, but my perfect world in its perfect orderly state is in jeopardy if I try with the possibility of failing. On the other hand, if I keep everything under control then nothing unexpected happens, and I can dance through my day without the slightest hint of a misstep.
Well, news flash, self: you are never really in control in the first place!
It may feel like I'm conducting the orchestra, but the Lord, the sovereign Creator, is the one who actually maintains even my ability to breathe. If I recognize this truth, maybe I can relax enough to try when there's a possibility of failing.
But why bother? What is there to gain? I think perhaps the gain is itself partly a loss: loss of fear, anxiety, and pride. The gain is also trust that's placed in God more than in myself. Maybe the gain could also be having a bit of fun. Wait, no. That can't be right.
Jan 30, 2016
List 30: Today's To-do List
I'll create this in retrospect. Isn't that the best way to write to-do lists? Everything's already done!
- Tidy for family coming over
- Bake cookies
- Make tea
- Walk around the yard
- Dance to Dean Martin and Louis Armstrong while holding the baby
- Chat with bonus mom on the phone
- Kiss husband
- Feed the cat and the fish
- Listen to Middlemarch (13 chapters in; my, it's a doozy!)
- Generally, be thankful in spite of tiredness
I've sure enjoyed writing these lists! It surprised me that list writing could spark further reflection, too.
List 29: Favorite Foods
- Fettuccine Alfredo
- Homemade bread
- Coffee in the morning on a porch with family
- Tomatoes and camembert
- Macaroni and cheese
- Pho
- Pancakes
- French toast
- Kale salad with mango
- Kippered herring
- Pecan pie
- Fajitas
- Margherita pizza
- Kumquats
- Tomato soup
- Grilled cheese sandwich
- Fresh lettuce from a garden
- Dark chocolate
- Blue Bell Homemade Vanilla ice cream
- Any birthday dinner
Jan 28, 2016
List 28: Vacations to Take
- Ireland
- Prince Edward Island
- Banff
- South of France
- Belgium
Short list! However, number one is a life long dream. So it probably counts for ten. Only two more lists to go!
Jan 27, 2016
List 27: Lessons Learned
- Relax.
- No matter how I try to plan, I'm not in control.
- Being single is not a punishment or merely a waiting period.
- You can't actually read all of the assigned pages in grad school.
- Life is not about getting everything right; it's about making it through and praising God.
- Friendship takes different forms. Not all friends are lifelong, close-as-sisters friends, and that is ok.
- If you want to be happy, start by being thankful.
- I'm brought into God's family not because of anything I can or should do, not conditionally, but solely because of what Jesus did.
- I will make mistakes, and it would be horrible if I didn't.
- Moms are - somehow - inexhaustible treasuries of encouragement. I think it's a gift of God.
- Being tired is not the worst thing.
Jan 26, 2016
List 26: Books I'd Like to Read This Year
- How Right You Are, Jeeves
- 7 Women
- Pilgrim at Tinker Creek
- The Aeneid
- All the Light We Cannot See
- Dead Wake
- Middlemarch
- Orthodoxy
- Jane Eyre
- Go Set a Watchman
- Portrait of a Lady
- The Hollow Hills
- The Last Enchantment
- Miracles
- Anne of Green Gables
- And Then There Were None
- The Count of Monte Cristo
- Bird by Bird
- Van Gogh: The Life
- The Jane Austen Guide to Life
Authors are listed in my photo. I'd actually already made this list before the new year started, with eager anticipation. So far this year I've listened rather than read, and I have enjoyed it! Also, some of these books are old familiar friends I plan to bring out into my new place to make it more a home. You know how reading favorite books again can uncover sweet memories? I'm hoping that remembering will facilitate the tender cultivation of new memories, too.
Jan 25, 2016
List 25: Things I'd Rather Be Doing Right Now
- Knitting the hat I started the other day
- Baking
- Going for a walk
- Talking with a friend over coffee
- Sleeping
This is an interesting list for me because I have been learning lately that I need to relax and enjoy the tasks that have been assigned to me. I may not have as much freedom in my schedule as I had before the baby, but I can still find enjoyment in the little things that seem to dominate my day. Who says it's my day, anyway?
List 24: I make lists for...
- Groceries
- Household items we need
- Tasks
- Books to read
I don't make lists that often, anymore! Used to list like crazy when I was working. A few more lists to go!
Jan 23, 2016
List 23: Guilty Pleasures
- ABC Family Christmas movies
- Eating peanut butter straight from the jar
- Loooooong showers
- Staying in jammies all day
Seven more days of lists!
Jan 22, 2016
List 22: Today I Saw
- My husband getting ready for work in the dark
- My daughter in her little jammies cuddling on my chest in the last light sleep before wake-up time
- A small black cat in a cabinet, on a windowsill, and on my knees
- A set of colorful blocks on a jungle quilt
- Books fresh out of boxes and settled on shelves
- Board games bringing back memories
- A fish as old as our marriage swimming in a bowl
- Homemade peppermint mocha creamer in a repurposed dark chili powder bottle with a silver lid
- Take-out pho on the counter
- A newly planted pineapple in a pot
- A baby eating some banana mush
- A skein of yarn in shades of blue
- My husband home and looking cute in Friday casual attire
- My daughter cozy in her crib
- A soft blanket on the back of the couch
List 21: Things to Do This Spring
- 5k with my husband
- Check out the Riverwalk
- Go to a museum
- Visit the botanical garden
- Plant a garden
Jan 21, 2016
List 20: Celebrity Crushes
Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm a married woman! Is this a little strange? I promise I am just following the prompts I found here.
Suppose I just list some of my favorite actors and actresses? I might also happen to think some of them are attractive.
Suppose I just list some of my favorite actors and actresses? I might also happen to think some of them are attractive.
- Cary Grant (all-time favorite!)
- Audrey Hepburn
- Yul Brynner
- Katherine Hepburn
- Matt Damon
- Cate Blanchett
- Joaquin Phoenix
- Emma Thompson
- Johnny Depp
- Robert Downey Jr
List 19: Recipes I Want to Try
- Pho
- Princess Torte (I saw this on the Great British Baking Show and my husband and I think it looks like a fun, crazy challenge)
- Gingerbread cookies
- Lemon cookies
- Baked apples
- Pumpkin spice latte
- Curry
- Roasted tomato soup
- Various breads
- Whole food, plant-based staples I can learn by heart (any recommendations?)
Mmm.
Jan 19, 2016
List 18: Road Trip Must-Haves
- Directions
- Music
- Gummy worms
- Water
- Iced tea
- Chapstick
- Comfy clothes
- Snacks
- Sunglasses
- Hat
- Fun socks
- A friend and good conversation, if possible!
Jan 18, 2016
List 16: Places to See in Your Town
Yes, I've missed a few days of lists, but I have a pretty good reason! Incidentally, this list topic is quite timely, for the same reason. And that reason is: We've moved! I'm currently sitting in the new nursery in our new house with the baby while my husband does some unpacking before starting his new job on Wednesday. This weekend has been long and tiring but also fruitful! We thank God for providing so richly for our family and we can't wait to sink our roots into the soil here.
Now for the list. I bet you will have a hard time guessing where we have moved based on this list. (Not.)
Now for the list. I bet you will have a hard time guessing where we have moved based on this list. (Not.)
- The Alamo
- The Riverwalk
- Natural Bridge Caverns
- Pearl Brewery
- Witte Museum
- King William Historical District
- Fiesta Texas
- Sea World
- San Antonio Botanical Garden
- San Antonio Museum of Art
- Aztec Theatre
My list includes some of the well-known places; I'm not familiar enough to have local favorite hidden spots! Hoping that soon enough that will change.
Keep up with my list prompts here.
Keep up with my list prompts here.
Jan 15, 2016
List 15: On My Shopping List
- Milk (almond, soy)
- Yogurt
- Eggs (sometimes)
- Veggies
- Fruits
- Apples
- Bananas
- Potatoes
- Sweet potatoes
- Kale
- Spinach
- Peanuts
- Peanut butter
- Applesauce
- Frozen blueberries
- Frozen veggies
- Frozen fruit
- Beans
- Rice
- Lentils
- Tomatoes
I've tried to jot down what a typical grocery list might look like for the week. Usually there would be some recipe ingredients on there, too.
Follow along with the list prompts I'm using here.
Jan 14, 2016
List 14: Things I Love about ______
I decided to write a list of things I love about my husband, because there are so many things and I appreciate him so much!
- He's mine - my very own to cuddle.
- He listens to audio books and is better-read than I am! We can talk about books almost unendingly.
- He likes to think.
- He's a do-er, whereas I'm a planner. When I'm paralyzed by analyzing, he's over there getting stuff done.
- He loves me just because.
- He knows when to unleash the tickle monster.
- He competently drives a manual.
- He challenges me and makes me remember truth, especially when I'm feeling anxious.
- He's cute!
- He's a good daddy, and he plays with our daughter.
- He reminds me who I am in Jesus.
- He's a hard worker.
- He has a good relationship with his parents.
- He's a runner.
- He knows how to make me laugh.
- He likes to cook.
- He knows how to make pies.
- He's a loyal friend.
- He has a servant mindset.
- He's generous.
- He is good at hospitality.
- He can assemble things.
- He's fun to be around.
- He lets me pick the movie (sometimes).
- He's been to a lot of the places I'd like to visit someday.
- He makes me feel safe.
- He is unfathomably patient with me.
- He likes my family and my family likes him.
- He introduces me to new things.
- He is kind.
- He always told me exactly what his intentions were when we were dating. There was never a need to wonder.
- He's so easy to talk to.
- He roasts his own coffee, and it's delicious.
- He teaches me things, like how to play cribbage.
- He talks in very poetic imagery sometimes. He comes up with these apt metaphors out of nowhere. It's nice.
- He's a healthy eater.
- He doesn't judge me, but he does hold me accountable.
- He prays with me.
- He sticks with me no matter what.
- Everything! The list continues . . .
List 13: DIYs I Want to Try
- Sew some cloth wipes
- Knit a blanket
- Knit a hat
- Plant a garden and keep it going
- Make a Christmas tree skirt
I missed yesterday, so this is my catch-up list.
Jan 12, 2016
List 12: Weekly Rituals
- Pita?
- Walk with husband
- Church
- Water the fern
How many things do I do once a week? Not many, apparently. Some of these are a stretch.
Now don't get me started on daily rituals, because the list would take a while to write! As my family can tell you, I'm basically the daily ritual queen.
Now don't get me started on daily rituals, because the list would take a while to write! As my family can tell you, I'm basically the daily ritual queen.
See the list prompts I'm using here.
Jan 11, 2016
List 11: Date Night Ideas
- Ice skating
- Bowling
- Dinner at home and a Red Box movie
- Make hot chocolate and homemade kettle corn (use a whirly pop)
- Play a board game
- Read aloud together
- Take a walk in a familiar place and talk about memories
- Take a walk in a new place and discover fun things together
- Go for a nature walk or hike
- Bake a complicated cake
- Work on a project (build a model, Lego set, etc.)
- Plan elaborate meal at home with multiple courses and fancy dinnerware
Jan 10, 2016
List 10: On My Wishlist
- Several books
- It's mostly books
- Dreaming of some updates to freshen and lighten the bedroom
- Dreaming of some beautiful plants and trees for the new yard, though we're not in it yet!
- Beautiful ceramic loaf pan
- Christmas with Solid Brass (CD)
- A couple of board games
- I'm not joking; so many books!
As you may have guessed if you've seen any of my posts before, and from this list, I quite like books. My parents tell me that as a little girl, if I opened a gift that came with an instruction booklet, I'd hold up the booklet and delightedly cry, "books!"
Follow along with the list prompts I'm using here.
Jan 9, 2016
List 9: Favorite Websites and Blogs
- The Eric Metaxas Show
- Gospelinlife.com
- A Pile of Pebbles
- Biblegateway.com
- Kellymom.com
- Apartment Therapy
- Amazon
- Abe Books
- Google - gateway to finding out about things I love to do, like knit for fun!
- Thefederalist.com
- Stream.org
- My city's public library website!
- Swap.com
Jan 8, 2016
List 8: In My Bag
- Wallet
- Chapstick x 2
- Lip gloss x 2
- Fingernail clippers
- Bandaids
- Watch with no battery
- Gum
- Movie ticket stubs from over two years ago (our honeymoon) (in Santa Fe!) ⬅ The Hobbit!
- Small mirror
- Pens (4)
- Peppermint (1)
- Coffee candy (2)
- Keys
- Purse hanger
- Sleep blend essential oil in spray bottle
I tried to do this from memory, and, to be honest, did not check myself afterwards (gasp!). It was fun! It's amusing to me that purse contents can stir up so many memories. I have a peppermint chapstick from my mom that reminds me of my recent stay with my family. I have a strawberry lip gloss from my bonus mom that reminds me of spending Christmas in CO about a year ago. The movie tickets, of course, remind me of our wonderful honeymoon and all the crazy incidents that came along with it (who else has funny honeymoon stories?). The watch stopped working just this past spring, before the end of semester finals, so that I had to use my phone for a timer during the finals and found out it was ok to send a few texts while waiting for my students to furiously scribble those last few words in their essays. Fellow teachers, you know how it is. You can forgive me, I think. Keys, ever-symbolic, represent two places of belonging for me, and I am blessed. Coffee candy will always make me think of my husband, who introduced me to them.
Wasn't expecting a simple list to spark an inventory of memories! Follow along with me and my 30 lists here.
Jan 7, 2016
List 7: Blog Goals
- Write at least one post per month.
- Think.
- Don't stress.
- Be genuine.
- Make connections among different life experiences.
Follow my prompts here!
Jan 6, 2016
List 6: Least Favorite Words
- Piss
- Any cursing - it really bothers me
- Ain't
- Any word used completely incorrectly, especially thesaurus "replacers" in essays
There aren't many words I absolutely dislike; words have purpose, and can be beautiful when put to that purpose. Poetry with well-chosen words (both for meaning and sound) thrills my heart (and my ear).
List prompts can be found here.
Jan 5, 2016
List 5: Weekend Goals
- Packing
- Get to church on time with the baby
- Reading
- Nap
- Cuddle time
This list feels a bit moot, since there's not much distinction between weekends and weekdays right now for me. Honestly, I'm just trying to make it through each day, one at a time, while maintaining trust in God and a thankful heart!
List prompts can be found here.
Jan 4, 2016
List 4: Today's Playlist
- "You're gonna have a good nap tonight..." - to my baby (alternate lyrics are fun)
- "Skidamarink-y-dinky-dink" - also to my baby
- Some Mumford and Sons in the car on the way to H-E-B
- MUTEMATH songs from "Vitals" in my head all day
I'm usually humming or singing outright most of the time while I'm at home doing stuff. I picked up the habit through growing up with a musical sister, and it was reinforced by the best office mate one could ask for over the past 3 years.
Follow along with my list prompts here.
Jan 3, 2016
List 3: I'm looking forward to...
- MUTEMATH concert in February! Have waited years for this!
- Moving to a new city and our new home (God willing).
- Painting and gardening at said home.
- Rest, no more anxiety, and no more tears in Heaven some day.
- Christmas - less than a year to go! (wink)
- Knitting a hat for my daughter (and husband and everyone) using my new loom. (Thanks, Mom!)
I'm enjoying the time spent brainstorming these lists! Lists were fun, I knew, but I didn't expect so much refreshment from such an inconsequential exercise. 3 down, 27 to go! See the prompts I'm using here.
Jan 2, 2016
List 2: Things You Are Good At
- Hula hoop
- Writing
- Listening
- Harmony
- Communication
- Teaching
- Being R's mom
Follow along and try your own 30 days of lists here.
Jan 1, 2016
List 1: A Few Things about Yourself
Happy New Year! I'm starting this year off with some fun list writing, for absolutely no reason at all other than the pure enjoyment of it.
- I'm not very tall or very short; I'm just right in the middle.
- Thinking is necessary for existence.
- I've always loved books. Not just reading; books.
- Smelling books makes me happy.
- Christmas is my favorite.
- I like the idea of tea better than I like drinking tea.
- My favorite number is 14. Or 15.
- I can lick my elbow.
- I'm a good speller.
- I always wanted to be married but never wanted to have kids.
- Now I have both a husband and a daughter and I'll never be the same!
- Having one or two deep friendships satisfies me immensely.
- I'm definitely a cat person.
- My love language is cuddles.
Follow along with me: 30 lists in 30 days! Find the prompts I'm using here.