Purring Silently

Sometimes when I get home after being gone at work all day, I'm greeted with the warm, furry, willing cuddles of my cat. She's not always super cuddly, but when she is, she provides a special comfort which I especially cherish: her purr. The odd thing about my cat's purr is that it is nearly silent. If you don't have your hand firmly on her chest or upper back, or have your ear placed directly on her body, close to her heart, you won't know it's happening. Her purr is felt rather than heard.

It strikes me that my cat's silent purr, although not typical, is still an expression of her feeling secure and comfortable. It's a happy response from her. Just like her atypical, quiet but happy response, I sometimes tend to be reserved rather than outspoken in my expressions of happiness.

The feelings I've experienced during pregnancy so far (I'm about 22 weeks along) have been complex, to say the least! I haven't, however, ever really felt that exuberant, gushing over of emotional excitement that I've seen in my friends when they've gone through pregnancy. And so I have tended to question myself and to feel guilty: "Why don't I feel excited? Am I not happy to have a baby? What's wrong with me?"

Some of my close family and friends have reassured me that it's normal to feel apprehensive and that I'm just highly aware of the huge changes that a baby will bring, and so my excitement is naturally tempered. I've talked with a few ladies who have also, it turns out, had similar feelings of apprehension and lack of highly expressive happy feelings during their pregnancies. These talks helped me to realize I'm not abnormal; for good or ill, I just have a personality that tends to think ahead and take (what I perceive as) potentially negative or scary changes into account in my emotional responses. (I also tend to worry about the unknown, but that will have to be a different reflection!)

The talks with friends and family were invaluable, but perhaps my cat's purr has most tangibly helped me learn this encouraging lesson. Deep down, even though I may not express it without reservation, I have joy about the baby joining our family soon. It's OK for the joy to be shown atypically. Those closest to me, who can feel my heart, know and reassure me that it's there.