I've written a few posts since the birth of my daughter, and they've all been true in the sense that I have reflected on my circumstances and have tried to relate them to larger truths (specifically biblical truth). However, I don't usually gush forth with unfiltered emotions in my posts, and today I want to. Maybe a reader will relate to what I'm saying. Maybe not. In any case, I'm sure I'm not alone in having these feelings, whether most moms (most I know, anyway) have them, or talk about them, or do neither of these things. So, here it is: the honest truth about my feelings since my daughter's birth. It's about to get personal here!
Most of the time in the first few weeks after she was born, I was so tired and terrified I wanted everything to stop. Just stop. I wanted to go back to "normal" life from before the birth or even before pregnancy. I resented my baby sometimes. Sometimes I had fleeting thoughts of getting rid of her, through adoption or death. Those thoughts were scary! They'd always be followed by my rational mind reacting: What on earth are you thinking?! Stop that! But they occurred, nonetheless, though thankfully just a few times. Of course all of this made me feel terribly guilty as well.
I thought that I would adjust. After all, lots of moms have some form of "Baby Blues" in the first few weeks after giving birth. And I did adjust, somewhat. I got a little more rest, and I felt a bit more rational. But here we are, nearly five months later, and I still have many of those same feelings.
My thoughts on good days (which are the majority now) turn to how much I enjoy seeing her learning and growing and laughing. I imagine what she'll be like when she's 5, or 12, or 20. But I have bad days where I still want everything to stop, where I wish I could go back to "normal," and where I feel resentful of my baby. If my husband or family ask me to do something fun, I feel stressed. If they ask what I'd like to do to relax, I can only think of things that don't include my baby in the picture. It's like my emotions haven't caught up to the reality of my situation.
Time will help me catch up eventually, I'm sure. But then, there are things that I hate to bring myself to think of. I don't want to catch up to the reality in some cases. I just ignore these things because they bother me too much. For example, I don't feel the same way down there, and I wonder if I ever will again. Too much to think of. Too painful. Thoughts about that area bring back memories of giving birth, and I can't stand it.
So, there it is. I'm often wishing my life were different. I'm often waiting for "eventually." I realize that neither of those thought patterns is a very biblical perspective (except in the sense that I can and should set my hope on eternal things, things unseen). I'm not saying I have answers, or that I'm in a great place with this. I haven't figured it out, but I'm visiting my family for a six-week restorative time while my husband works around 15 hours a day at his job (aside: appreciation for military spouses and others who have to be separated from their loved ones for extended periods - it's hard!), and I'm seeing a counselor. I started reading Psalms, in no particular order. These things are helping, and I'm hopeful. Getting more sleep helps a lot.
Maybe you've had similar experiences or feelings, and I hope you might be encouraged just to hear my raw thoughts.
